Father Goat Tonsils

By Joe

Following recent accidents involving Dave and me, the world should put a nice cushioning foam on everything. People should have to wear foam suits, and cars should be encased in foam that is about six feet thick.

If you work in a tall building, instead of wasting time with stairs or elevators on the way out, you could just jump out the window. Driving would be a lot easier and more fun; it would be like driving bumper cars. Recreational fistfights would be an expression of joy. And, instead of wasting time getting somewhere from an airport, you could just jump out of the plane at the right time.

Plus, finally, you’d be able to recreate that Ted Kennedy Chappaquiddick incident yourself! And speaking of politicians, you could drive into them whenever you felt like it. At voting time, you could tell how much someone sucked by the amount of scuff marks on their foam.

By Master Billy Dingus

Given all the recent concern about internet censorship, I feel the time has come for a solution. Obviously, it is not possible to keep people from swearing out loud. And current legislation more or less keeps obscene language out of television and radio. But how do we, as upstanding citizens, keep this foul language from rearing its ugly head on the information superhighway? My invention is a computer keyboard without vowels. I have found that most swear words contain vowels. This new keyboard would make it impossible to type in swear words. Of course, some clever computer “hackers” (as they call themselves) might figure out a way to circumvent the keyboards by cutting and pasting, or by using a scanner. But I feel these new keyboards would greatly cut down on internet obscenity. Obviously, one would not be able to type normal words either, but why wouldn’t it be possible to create a clean new computer language without vowels? I think it’s high time we gave it a try.

By Megasecret

These days it seems like every other person is a vegetarian. People also seem to be very consumed by animal rights and so forth. The other thing that has been in the news a lot lately is whether cloning of animals should be encouraged. Well, my idea would satisfy everybody, I think.

We could keep the doctors and researchers busy with experiments designed to take advantage of certain species’ ability to regenerate body parts. For example, scientists could make a cow that regenerates itself. You could simply carve out your porterhouse or filet mignon and cook it. The cow would simply grow another one.

The animal rights whiners would have nothing to complain about because no animals would be killed or even harmed that much. Come to think of it, we could bio-engineer animals that don’t have nerves and don’t feel the pain of having their tenderloins extracted.

This way everybody could just own one cow and use it for beef and dairy AT THE SAME TIME! Of course, everybody’s cow would look like swiss cheese from being so cut up so we would call it the swiss cow.

By Lard

The idea comes from the stoves you have over here. You just put the clean button on, and the stove cleans itself. I think it will be a really good idea, if there were underpants that done this for you. Just think, you’d never ever have to change your underpants. You could just set them on clean, the stains burn and crumble and fall out, while you can whistle on the way to work with confidence because you know that you’ve got oven clean underwear

-Editor’s note-
An idea came to me while reading the above idea: Ass-wiping underwear - need to get out of the bathroom fast? No need to wipe, because the underwear do it for you (A self cleaning feature would definitely need to be incorporated into these!)

By Joe

In San Francisco, people have to take plastic bags with them when they walk their dogs. They turn the bags inside out and pick up the shit with their hand touching the outside of the bag. Then they turn the bag back to what it was originally, and the shit is inside the bag. This works, but I think an even better idea would be to have a shit sleigh that is a miniature version of a woodchopper. The dog would be attached to a small wheeled wagon behind it, and the shit would go into the chopper area and get blown out into small bits. An even better idea would be if the shit was deconstructed into the basic elements of hydrogen, carbon and oxygen. Maybe the shit could be made into water, which believe it or not, the dogwalker could drink. Or, if the shit was only chopped up, the exhaust part of the shit-chopper could be attached directly to a small plant. Voila! You keep the streets clean and fertilize your plant in one fell swoop.

By Joe

One blueberry could be chosen to be God. This berry would be worshipped, and a few people would make up stories about being healed in the presence of the berry. Someone could pretend to hear the berry speak to them. Someone powerful like Donald Trump could donate lots of money to this cause so that the Godberries could control part of the media. They would write stories condemning certain evil practices like eating blueberries, because the God berry had said this was wrong. As the Godberry group gained more and more power, they could enact laws punishing those who ate berries. The more power the group gained, the more books they could publish, and the more mass consciousness would accept that eating blueberries was a sin. And furthermore, everything born as anything less than a berry would be considered corrupt from the beginning. So all people would need to worship the God berry to heal themselves. They would come from miles around and visit the site of the berry’s birth. The leaders of the movement would gain more and more money as the guilty members of the church donated money to the cause of righteousness. In the end, the originator of this movement could tell everyone it was just a joke, and no one would believe him. In fact, they’d most likely kill him for being a blasphemer.

By Joe

In most corporate environments, people have to work in cubicles. However, there are certain disadvantages to this. First of all, the workers are not entirely clear that they are all as expendable as worker bees. Secondly, bosses can’t clearly see the workers doing things like screwing around on the world wide web when they should be working. The workerhive. A real corporate office should be shaped just like a beehive. Each worker would enter into one hole and have a little office shaped hexagonally (?) just like a single beecomb cell. The worker would slave away in this little office, and he would have other workers right next to him and above him and below him. They would work long and hard and produce lots of paperwork. A big machine would take out an individual stack of office cells out of the hive and scrape off all the work that the workers have done. Some workers would get killed in the process, but that’s okay, because everyone in the corporate world knows that workers are expendable. Just like a beehive, the worker would keep on working until she was dead. Like bees, workers could only escape to gather things needed to make work, like paper and staples. But then they would have to come back right away. This constant working would assure that all workers would be absolutely efficient with no time for eating lunch or going home to sleep. There would be constant talking and gossip-the telltale buzzing and activity of all good hives. Best of all, the top executive of the hive would be constantly catered to and fattened up, workers constantly bustling around.

By Anonymous

This idea had its roots in a family discussion quite a ways back while en route to a music lesson. Most recently, however, it was discussed while visiting with Tom. The idea is a system which allows one to drive for long periods of time without stopping at a restroom. A toilet is built into the seat in such a way as to allow free flow of waste into it. Waste is either put into a storage unit or pumped into the engine, which would be specially modified to be able to burn human waste as fuel. This would take care of your refueling stop and your bathroom stop in one shot, without even having to slow down.

By Karubi

I had an idea for an improvement on dual air bags for an automobile. If you were about to crash into something, an onboard sensor would activate a death ray blaster and the offending item would be totally vaporized so that you would not crash into it. Thus you would be kept safer than you would be by having a big bag inflate right into your face. Then it occurred to me that I might use this device in traffic jams so that I would not be detained by stupid people stopping on Rte. 128 to look at dumb things like accidents. It was at that point that I realized that my little invention should not be disseminated to the public.