Father Goat Tonsils

By Joe

In San Francisco, people have to take plastic bags with them when they walk their dogs. They turn the bags inside out and pick up the shit with their hand touching the outside of the bag. Then they turn the bag back to what it was originally, and the shit is inside the bag. This works, but I think an even better idea would be to have a shit sleigh that is a miniature version of a woodchopper. The dog would be attached to a small wheeled wagon behind it, and the shit would go into the chopper area and get blown out into small bits. An even better idea would be if the shit was deconstructed into the basic elements of hydrogen, carbon and oxygen. Maybe the shit could be made into water, which believe it or not, the dogwalker could drink. Or, if the shit was only chopped up, the exhaust part of the shit-chopper could be attached directly to a small plant. Voila! You keep the streets clean and fertilize your plant in one fell swoop.

By Joe

One blueberry could be chosen to be God. This berry would be worshipped, and a few people would make up stories about being healed in the presence of the berry. Someone could pretend to hear the berry speak to them. Someone powerful like Donald Trump could donate lots of money to this cause so that the Godberries could control part of the media. They would write stories condemning certain evil practices like eating blueberries, because the God berry had said this was wrong. As the Godberry group gained more and more power, they could enact laws punishing those who ate berries. The more power the group gained, the more books they could publish, and the more mass consciousness would accept that eating blueberries was a sin. And furthermore, everything born as anything less than a berry would be considered corrupt from the beginning. So all people would need to worship the God berry to heal themselves. They would come from miles around and visit the site of the berry’s birth. The leaders of the movement would gain more and more money as the guilty members of the church donated money to the cause of righteousness. In the end, the originator of this movement could tell everyone it was just a joke, and no one would believe him. In fact, they’d most likely kill him for being a blasphemer.

By Joe

In most corporate environments, people have to work in cubicles. However, there are certain disadvantages to this. First of all, the workers are not entirely clear that they are all as expendable as worker bees. Secondly, bosses can’t clearly see the workers doing things like screwing around on the world wide web when they should be working. The workerhive. A real corporate office should be shaped just like a beehive. Each worker would enter into one hole and have a little office shaped hexagonally (?) just like a single beecomb cell. The worker would slave away in this little office, and he would have other workers right next to him and above him and below him. They would work long and hard and produce lots of paperwork. A big machine would take out an individual stack of office cells out of the hive and scrape off all the work that the workers have done. Some workers would get killed in the process, but that’s okay, because everyone in the corporate world knows that workers are expendable. Just like a beehive, the worker would keep on working until she was dead. Like bees, workers could only escape to gather things needed to make work, like paper and staples. But then they would have to come back right away. This constant working would assure that all workers would be absolutely efficient with no time for eating lunch or going home to sleep. There would be constant talking and gossip-the telltale buzzing and activity of all good hives. Best of all, the top executive of the hive would be constantly catered to and fattened up, workers constantly bustling around.

By Anonymous

This idea had its roots in a family discussion quite a ways back while en route to a music lesson. Most recently, however, it was discussed while visiting with Tom. The idea is a system which allows one to drive for long periods of time without stopping at a restroom. A toilet is built into the seat in such a way as to allow free flow of waste into it. Waste is either put into a storage unit or pumped into the engine, which would be specially modified to be able to burn human waste as fuel. This would take care of your refueling stop and your bathroom stop in one shot, without even having to slow down.

By Karubi

I had an idea for an improvement on dual air bags for an automobile. If you were about to crash into something, an onboard sensor would activate a death ray blaster and the offending item would be totally vaporized so that you would not crash into it. Thus you would be kept safer than you would be by having a big bag inflate right into your face. Then it occurred to me that I might use this device in traffic jams so that I would not be detained by stupid people stopping on Rte. 128 to look at dumb things like accidents. It was at that point that I realized that my little invention should not be disseminated to the public.

All the old posts will be appearing as soon as I find the files!